Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes!

• 0:00 Intro: Our brain is more likely to believe gestures over words (12.5x more), as it's harder to lie with gestures. Liars tend to use fewer gestures.

• 0:46 Cues: Highly successful people understand a hidden language of cues. Sitting within 25 ft of a high performer improves your own performance by 15%.

• 1:02 Warmth and Competence: 82% of first impressions are based on warmth and competence.

• 2:14 Success: Highly successful people speak a hidden language of cues and controlling your warmth and competence is key to success.

• 3:07 People Skills: If you don't know how to communicate, you will have trouble building relationships and getting promoted.

• 3:45 Research: Vanessa is a recovering awkward person who believes charisma can be learned (2002 study). She has helped 400,000 students learn her communication framework.

• 5:16 Ambivert: An ambivert gains energy from the right people in the right places. Knowing what drains you and what charges you is important for social energy.

• 6:52 Four Channels of Cues: Body language, vocal tone, the words we use, and our ornaments are all channels for sending cues.

• 7:28 Power of Words: The words used to describe something influence people's behavior and their feelings towards you (community vs Wall Street game). Use clear cues in subject lines.

• 9:39 Fundamental Skill: People skills are essential for success, and without them, no matter how smart you are, you cannot succeed in life, love, or business.

• 10:21 Stoic Students: Biggest transformations come from students who try to be unreadable and stoic. The key is amplifying, not muting true feelings with the right cues.

• 11:21 Jamie Simonoff: The founder of Ring didn't get a deal on Shark Tank because of poor communication skills.

• 12:07 Overwhelmed: Those who struggle to connect with others often feel overwhelmed, underestimated, and afraid of rejection.

• 12:41 Resting Bothered Face (RBF): Everyone has a default facial expression that can make them look sad, angry, or afraid. Counteract with your cues by activating the muscles to appear up and positive.

• 15:38 Profile Picture Mistakes: The three most important mistakes are: showing the whites of your eyes, using an asymmetrical smile, and using a fake smile.

• 16:35 Authentic Smile: A true indicator of happiness is when the cheek muscles are activated.

• 17:37 Fake Smiles: Fake smiles don't work to improve mood or get people to like you.

• 18:29 97 Cues: There are 97 cues to use and choose your own recipe for warmth and competence. You don't have to be an extrovert to be charismatic.

• 20:01 Resting Face Studies: Studies show people do make assumptions about mood based on one's resting face.

• 20:31 Awkwardness: Vanessa used to feel overwhelmed, unsure, and like she missed a memo on conversation and friendship.

• 21:44 Conversation Formula: Her professor pushed her to treat conversation like science. She started developing conversational blueprints and her formula started to work.

• 24:14 Assumptions: There are certain people who misinterpret neutral facial expressions as negative.

• 24:37 Popularity: The most popular kids have the longest list of people they like and engage in micro-moments of liking with others.

• 27:17 Magic Phrases: Three phrases to use for likeability: "I was just thinking of you," "You're always so...", and "Last time we talked you mentioned..."

• 30:00 Self-Narrative: 3 levels of intimacy: acquaintances, personal concerns, and self-narrative which is a story you tell yourself about yourself.

• 31:30 Narratives: The three main narratives are: hero, healer, and victim.

• 33:22 Luck: People who perceive themselves as lucky see more opportunities.

• 35:05 Contagious Performance: Sitting near high performers improves performance by 15%, while sitting near low performers decreases performance by 30%.

• 36:50 Chemical Impact: We can chemically smell fear from other's sweat and catch it.

• 37:37 Intention: Intention is the back door to confidence.

• 39:27 Cue Cycle: We send a cue, others respond, but we also internalize it and send out different cues as a result.

• 40:42 Label the Cue: You can stop a negative cycle by labeling the cue you see in your head, which stops an amygdala activation and gives you control.

• 41:55 Hands: Hands are the windows to the soul and are powerful communication tool, so keep them visible.

• 43:38 Hand Tricks: Show your palms when greeting, which signals you are open. Use gestures to outline your words; highly viral TED Talks have more hand gestures than less viral ones.

• 46:38 Hand Gestures: The more confident speakers aren’t necessarily more confident, but they’re more engaged with their gestures.

• 48:17 Thumbnails and Vocal Variety: Videos with hand gestures in the thumbnail get more clicks. Vocal variety is also a key to charisma and engaging audiences.

• 50:13 Chair Arms: Chairs without arms make for better conversations, whereas, with arms, you’re more likely to have less expressive conversations and want to put your hands in your lap.

• 51:37 Proxemic Zones: Different distances with people lead to different effects of communication. You must consider distance between you and camera while recording.

• 54:15 Charisma: Charisma is a balance of warmth and competence. Too much of one and not enough of the other will signal that you can't be trusted.

• 55:40 Warmth and Competence: Men often default to higher incompetence, whereas women default to higher in warmth, but both are things you can control to change how people treat you.

• 56:47 Too Warm: It is possible to be too warm as you can look like a "bimbo" if you have too much warmth.

• 58:45 Power Cues: Includes the steeple hand gesture, shoulder distance (relax your shoulders), eye contact at the end of sentences, a lower lid flex when someone is talking, and a downward inflection on your voice.

• 1:07:56 Liar Detection: When someone is lying they often use a question inflection, and there is often a drop in volume, incongruent body language, or a disgust microexpression.

• 1:14:21 Signal Amplification Bias: We assume that people understand how we feel even when they don't.

• 1:15:23 Advice: Use the "I was just thinking of you," "You're always so..." and "Last time we talked you mentioned..." to be more likeable.

• 1:15:55 Warmth Cues: To appear warmer: use a triple nod, head tilt, an authentic smile, lean towards someone, and make nonverbal bridges.

• 1:18:37 Don't Let People do This: Never nod at the other person's hand moving up and down as it encourages a person to start agreeing with you.

• 1:34:20 Leaning: Too much of a lean looks like bowing, but a small lean can signal engagement and interest.

• 1:39:03 Greeting Signals: Use the palm up if offering a handshake and open your arms if you want a hug. The handshake should be between 1-3 seconds and have the thumb up.

• 1:49:42 Mastering Messaging: Ask what emotion you want to signal to people when they receive a message from you. Your words can trigger emotions.

• 1:51:31 Imperfection: It’s better to own authentic vulnerabilities rather than trying to be perfect. The longer the interview goes on without imperfection, the more suspicious people get of you.

• 1:54:40 Personal Branding: In branding, you need to consider visual cues. Your profile photos should trigger desired neural networks, and create an allergy to your non-ideal partner. Be aware of the distance between your arms and torso, a tight torso can signal low confidence.

• 1:59:01 Dating Advice: In order to find a partner, show pictures of your authentic self that trigger good memories, be aware of vocal fry, and go on activity dates.

• 2:04:27 Body Language and Brain Connection: Women activate more brain areas than men when reading body language. Women take a broader view, while men focus on the cues.

• 2:06:33 Making Friends: People need to be authentic and willing to be vulnerable. You have to "date" to find good friends.

• 2:10:14 Availability: You must be open and non-blocking to show you are approachable. Use croissant feet, open body language, and short glances to signal openness. Use the gesturing trick by gesturing in a direction.

• 2:18:57 AirPods: AirPods are killing friendships by destroying micro-moments of connection, thus reducing the chance of weak-tie connections.

• 2:24:11 Lying: Most people are terrible at detecting lies, so don't overthink it. Certain cues like a question inflection or a change in volume are a red flag to investigate, but don't use as a tool for certainty. Look for incongruent nods and the disgust microexpression.

• 2:30:05 Toxic vs. Ambivalent Relationships: Toxic relationships are clear while ambivalent relationships cause the most drain.

• 2:32:34 Starting Conversations: Start with something basic like "Hi I'm [Your Name]" and ask a question of excitement like "What have you been doing that's fun recently?"

• 2:36:01 Outrun Pain vs Face Pain: You must face your weakness to grow. Don't compete on stages where you are not your best, and create spaces where your strengths can shine.

• 2:37:03 First Steps: Break autopilot, ask better questions, figure out if you need more warmth or competence and do an email audit.

• 2:38:29 Closing Question: She shared a story of how, after failing at her first book, she tried to outrun the pain by focusing on online videos, but ultimately, faced it head on by writing her best-selling book, Captivate.